We are SEVEN days away from the ‘Scandal’ premiere. YOU, Gladiator, need to prepare for Scandal Incubation, because #TheStormisComing. We learned last season, that when Scandal comes back, real life comes to a grinding halt. This disease, Scandalitis, is SERIOUS. And YOU GOT IT BAD.
If you or a loved one has experienced the following, you may have SCANDALITIS:
You’ve used your company credit card to stock up on essentials:
Photo Credit: ABC News
You own one of these and you KNOW how to use it:
You’ve printed this picture and put it in your wallet with a note that says:
“I have amnesia. My husband is frantically searching for me. Please return me to my husband, Tony Goldwyn, c/o Sunset Gower Studios in Hollywood, California.” This is crucial in case you have to leave your house and you get a case Scandalitis induced‘Scandal Brain’. You know, because you can’t remember your address, but you can give Cyrus’s “You Are Not the President Speech”.
Photo Credit : JESUS, OPRAH, and M Magazine. Yes, LAWD.
You have a medical alert bracelet that clearly states you have Scandalitis:
Symptoms Include: Dry mouth, Scandal Brain, talking really fast, saying “Gladiator” repeatedly, asking randoms if they have superpowers…at church, and Pope strutting in public. Who gon’ check you, boo? The Feds? Whatevzzz. You have Olivia Pope on your side. Oh, you got it bad.
You explain the impending child neglect that’s coming to your children with this speech:
“Mommy is a part of an important revolution. You know, like Rosa Parks, George Washington, and the people that made Candy Crush. Mommy’s work on the computer and watching TV is important to the future. You don’t understand this now, but in ten years when the studies come out on how Mommy’s Tweets changed Hollywood, because she was a pioneer in the Social Television Movement; you can look back on this time and be proud. Sure, you’re wearing Mommy’s pink shirt and 8 day old underwear to school, but laundry is not important to Nielsen…Mommy’s tweets are important to Nielsen. Mommy is saving lives, and making rich television actors richer. Now go ask Daddy to give you a snack from the bag I got at the food pantry; I’ve got to make sure Tony Goldwyn’s kids each get a new Mercedes and Bellamy Young’s dog gets another diamond collar. Mommy is doing the Lord’s work.”
Photo: ScandalMoments.com courtesy of some sweet soul on set!
Photo: Mercedes Benz USA ( Screw YOUR KIDS…Tony’s kids deserve the best!)
You’re having daily sex with the husband,
because you get the sinking feeling there will be no #TreeGate, #DeskGate, or #ClosetGate to be the jump off for Thursday Night Post-Scandal Sex. You gotta make Mommy-Daddy Time count, ladies… so you’ve dusted off the thong and endured the chafing, because you won’t have to put out again until the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
You’ve pre-paid your most important bills:
Electricity and Cable/Internet. You can live without water and heat. You can always take a whore’s bath at a gas station and make a portable fireplace in your unplugged Crockpot in your living room. You cannot be out here in these streets, um, trapped in your house without the essentials. You are a Gladiator, that’s how YOU ROLL.
Photo: Some Idiot on Flickr… I had to post it twice, because I was #VernaDead when I Googled : “Fire in a CrockPot” and this ish showed up… people are really DUMB. REALLY, REALLY DUMB.
You’ve secured your Twitter Jail Account.
If ‘Orange is the New Black’ has shown you anything, it’s that being locked up ain’t fun, orange jumpsuits ain’t cute, and Stay-Free Maxi Pads should not be used as footware. You know you’re gonna end up in Twitter Jail during the Premiere, so YOU are PREPARED. Don’t get caught out there on October 3 without a back-up Twitter account. Pick your struggles, wisely.
Photo: OITNB / Babble.
You’ve already made the perfect baby shower cake in case Shonda and Them Damn Writers go left:
Get ready, Gladiators! In SEVEN DAYS THE MUTHAHUCKIN STORM IS COMING, BITCHES… I can hear Darby saying that!
HERMYGAWD! I’m So Excited!!! Are You????
Cuz this Hiatus has made me feel like:
DAMN RIGHT!!! #ScandalisBack !!! See you on October 3…
Big Shout out to @GladiatorHarlem who inspired this post!